i tried to hide it.

I'm really sick of this amanda i see everyday
evertime i look into the mirror.
i see a weak & demoralised girl of a kind, staring at her undecided curves
& she thinks of every little thing that isn't gonna be good enough for the world to see.
2 nights before, my heart was broken, & i'm still trying to recuperate.
i've been so much less of what i once was.
& i really despise myself.
I yearn for the past.

& i blame no one.

i really, don't hope for anyone to correct me & my petty little feelings.
I really don't usually stay this way for long.
I take at most 2 weeks.
its been 4 days.

I can't wait to be busy again, even though im already tired of nothing.
At least keeping busy would mean feeling less.
& i really need to feel less.
I don't think i'm strong enough anymore.

I dont need anyone to know im feeling this way.
Which is why i dont just show it to anyone, & i blog about it.
I dont even think people read my blog anymore because frankly i dont even update much now.

& i really, don't want anyone to think i am doing this out of self pity.
There isnt really any self pity here at all.
I know it & i blame myself, i've always had. & i mean it.
& i dont need anyone to comfort me because i can do this on my own.
So whoever is reading this, i just need time to heal.

& its not easy damn right it isnt, but i will get through with it.
 & i mean i will.

I just have to find the will & the strength that was shamed away, back.
Bear with me.
I've been going to bed everynight trying not to fall asleep.
I've been listening to undesirable stories i've no obligations to respond to, & i force myself shut.
I've been waking up, hoping i'll find the will to talk to the people i love like i did before, only to
fail again & again.
& it sucks knowing that my best really isnt enough.
Ive heard, many times.
Its not enough.
i get it.

Why do only the bad things keep winding around us.
While the good things fly pass our self-conscience like the polar express to the north pole on christmas eve?

This part right now,
is where i'll return to all the times i've been wasted.
Doing good for people who ended up leaving,
& making the mistake of helping when i am not needed.
Making them leave.
They might not have said they would, & they might still be around physically,
but they definitely, somewhere else now.
without me, & i will pray for the day i'll make things happen as i try.

I wish blogger could record an audio of what i want to say.
There's just too much to put into words.

Maybe Jeanette Winterson's bit of 'Written on the Body' can help me a fair bit

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose the people you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘they” were the people you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This fairly visable hole in my heart is in the shape of  all of you & no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”

family.
What can you do, without the love from the people who taught you how to love?
Will love be taken away from me?
Will people leave me?
Will i be alone now.

- a