The past few days

So I've been quite jagged with trying my best to do better in school. And also, I've been trying to juggle my emotions throughout too. I guess the toughest part  about this entire month has been just juggling my emotions. Trying my best to be a better person. Understanding people understanding situations & myself too. Talking bout life itself on its own, I Guess i was always confident of what I knew. But these days ive hit me back & forth & I'm starting to stabilise now. Whatever happens whatever I know now time will tell if it was right to begin with. 

I'm honestly not able to think bout anything at the moment. I woke up on a Saturday morning deciding to reward myself with more. Boy was it regretful!!! I woke up again & my body didn't feel better at all. I laid around rolling in bed, I couldn't bring myself to do much at all. I tried to motivate myself but I couldn't even disappoint myself. All I could say to myself was that I am tired. I am so so so tired. I couldn't blame myself for not sobering up & for not doing anything at all. I left the house eventually though, I'm at Dhoby now, settling some stuff. I'm finally meeting pekz! Feels pretty comforting. 

I've been Analysing a lot & it's honestly been hard but I think I've been coping with everything well. & I thought, ok I think I need people to know that, so I tried to present myself well. & it worked. 

But then sometimes I go home and I drown in lethargy & I ask myself why I'm trying so hard to be strong? Then I thought about it again last night after talking to Kat and I realised again that I've always managed to forget somehow that I'm the only constant that I will ever have. And that's the only constant I need. The only person I have to love with all my heart, and to take care of. Without a healthy me there ain't no one else. And I decided that I should do something about me, so I could get things done. Get these far away places to seem nearer. I always wonder how people make it to where they want to, & I Guess it's all ups and downs & I need to get through this too. Maybe these are little points of it, but that should make me strive harder for what I want cause it's not at its peak yet even. I'm so so so so tired now though, I'd say I need comfort I need to know that people around me care, & idk how to deal with all these but I, at the same time, need to conclude these feelings on my own & im so confused about what relationships are now too. Everything is a little confusing Now. But I'm sure I'll get through it and I will get through it.