I'm sorry but I'm so broken & I've just been denying it still.

Alright. I know I ALR had a proper closure with Shaun , I know we already had a proper closure and it already ended and all which I'm really glad about.. Because that was what I needed at least. but I just really have to say all these out somewhere and it's my blog right I Guess I can talk about it here. I just can't control these emotions I have & I just want to let it out somewhere. It's weird, I still love you so much & it almost feels like I'm really damn stupid for feeling this way but I was told that I should validate my feelings. And I shouldn't keep forcing all these feelings out just because I don't want to feel the pain. Ok so imma keep validating my feelings. Ok I know I've been doing well and I've been ok, but I have my shit days & these emotions have been haunting me. & ive actually been able to cope with that and overlooked them somehow but today I can't. I just need to do this, because I've always wanted this. But forget it... You don't.. Right? I've been showing it. & you didn't fight for me, you didn't want it back. So forget it Mandy. Fight this through. Your heart is already numb. & it's really clear from all the times you could have rebounded but you didn't. It was really just you, you know ..? or no one else. No one else for a Long while. I just really love you so much ok. & I want the best for you. I AM HURTING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW AND ITS ALMOST CONTRADICTING BUT I LOVE U BUT U GO AND LIVE A GOOD LIFE.

I will be happy for you. Just really fuck my heart man. Fuck my heart really hurts like a bitch. I accidentally went through so many of our memories and WTF. I see how I actually really just loved you for who u r, i never took u as someone I could depend on, or whatever. I just needed u, & it was because I wanted u so much that I needed u. Gosh, people can say that you're so normal but whatever you were so so special to me. You know???? Someone who I really gave my all to. & I worked for so he could be the one. Fuck. My heart fucking hurts. I swear idk how to numb my heart even more but if I could I will. It's like the entire world's Colour saturation just desaturated by 60% or something. Everything is so dull & even when I'm feeling ok it's all just. AND I CAN STILL SAY THAT I LOVE YOU, & I can't deny that I want this so bad. But Mandy u bitch ASS BABY THATS IT U WONT ALWAYS GET WHAT U WANT. If he wants to let go then ni zhen Yang!!! U know u will let him be happy!! U know that. Girllllllllll!!! Ugh I'm so annoyed with myself. Why so I love you so much. I've a pet peeve with myself. WHY DO I LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH. brb I need to just. Chill the fuck out.