& sometimes (most of the time) writing is a thing that happens to me. i do not mean that i awake with what i’ve dreamt tattooed down my scalp. silly, the body is non-fiction.
rather, i mean poems watch me in my sleep, I let my feelings flow through the thoughts that I stop myself from speaking, I fear of hurting anyone with them. I've stooped like crows across the heater. i feel
each of their feathers considering flight..
Maybe, my body could be allegory.
Talking about it makes me feel vulnerable & helpless, it is a flaw. I can't help it. I hate being this way. But I'll say it again & again that I believe that I'm better than this, I just don't know how much good I have in me left to do this properly. Been struggling with this for weeks, months actually. It only got intense after the year started. So i told myself that if this was gonna start out shitttttt, I would do whatever I can to make it the best. And I will. This imminent breakdown of thoughts can only leave me hopeless for awhile, but I'll get back up. I keep promising myself that, geez I never would've thought this was gonna ever happen. Guess we all just get hit right in the face, & we can't do anything else but to fight it. That's why we have fighters, people deal with it mentally or physically. The only reason why I can't decide is because I haven't don't most of it right, it's scary fucking up. And I'm sorry because I can't express myself.
I'm sorry I can even fucking get it together, I know it should be easy for me, but when it comes to working on it. I fuck up so much.
It came to a point where I resorted to be living in things I don't. Just to find a little hope, just to Ensure myself that I had a purpose.
I won't say that it's ever gonna be easy growing up, we all have our share of shit to deal with. & we have hope to believe in, Inhale that shit.
I felt the need to motivate myself with quotes, & I'll do it here. Also for anyone who knows what this feels, you're definitely not alone, you're definitely Nor facing the worst, empathise those who are in pain, learn to emphasise with yourself, please forgive yourself.
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“Shit happens in life. What really matters is how we handle the bad moments. Don’t let it define you, keep reaching for your happiness.”
Russell Simmons
I usually just feel lucky to be alive, to be able to feel, & touch. I don't need a purpose, it must be right that we're greedy. I was for awhile. I'll learn to live with this.
I don't care if anyone cares enough about this, I don't want to indulge in thinking that I need someone to be there for me.
I have to stop putting expectations for myself to carry out. I keep doing that, & doing it, & I'm here on the ledge again thinking about why I do certain things. Why people feel like it's alright to be a certain way. The audacity.
Fucking hell, I'll beat all of this, I'll come back stronger, give me time. I guess I can't expect to live that Long either, but I will make sure I do.
Used to think that I was better off working my ass off, getting rich & famous young, living a life of courtesy & imensity of indulgence. Leaving early right as I'm done with it, but I want to live a longer life now.
But I remember learning that Venus spins backwards, & I don't even fucking know why, but it just does. So Mandy Mandy Mandy, it doesn't matter whether you know what you're doing with your life, as Long as you know what You want, & you make it happen. Just do whatever you want.
I get it now,
I want to feel for a longer time.
Come what may, I'll fight it through.
I'm grateful.
“Mental health is just as important as physical health. Remember that.”
My life is a blessing, I'll take it. Don't turn back too quick. I'm catching up.
You can do this Mandy.
Forgive to move forward, I forgive you.
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