"When we love something, isn't it as if we've grow hands, especially to hold them?"
It's honestly been so tiring since the start of the year. I swear and I pray pray to god knows what I'm praying for. I pray that we get things through just so things can get better.
I always promise to make things better but I think I've been ding it wrong and it's honestly so tedious to start over. How I always get motivation from seeing pekz, how I would always feel happy when he asks me out. All these little things accumulate and they motivate me, likewise, all the little things I get in the whole week accumulate and they demoralised me.
Is it really normal to only have a few Friend spread out of the blue. Not having a stable source of happiness & comfort it's pretty.. Draining.
I'm so grateful to have pekz in my life, really.
I know it sounds stupid, a 19 year old having only her Boyfriend to save her from all the times she could've drowned.
But I guess I can't help it for now & I'll start getting back on my feet again. I tried though, I did. It lasted 2 weeks. & I wasn't this dependent at the start.
What should i do?
I wished I knew all the right answers
Everything is so cluttered up & I can't put them into words. How frustrating.
I don't even know why I feel sad, am I just tired?
I spent the last few days at pekz' tho, it was nice. Having someone I love there with me the whole day, to be there for me , or in fact knowing that ill go home to him. It was so comforting. The birthday party, the dinner with Shuxin, it all ended well when I went back to him & it all felt so good again. It wasn't even about seeing him enough anymore. It was about spending the entire day out doing what I had to do, indulged in the comfort that I eventually have him to hold at night when everything's done. & it repeats.
Maybe it's because it stopped today maybe that's why I'm sad. Geez do I sound clingy? I'm getting clingy again am I.
I tried my sleeping pill last night and I honestly think it must be the reason why I'm still so tired because I've felt drowsy since the morning & ive not had a good sleep cause of how Shaun usually sleeps.
I tried doing more work but I was so drowsy. I'll stop taking those pills for now.
And honestly I haven't been posting up any pictures for Instagram for almost a week and I feel so so unproductive.
Maybe I could blame myself for surrounding myself with people who are negative.
In not pointing fingers, but it has definitely drained me, & killed a little of my drive & positivity at the very least.
I'm sorry, I just wanted to be there, but I might've neglected myself. Can I take a break now?
Honestly, I don't know why I'm typing all these. Maybe cause it makes me feel better. I don't even know what I'm feeling like am I upset about something? Am I sad? Angry? I can't explain it, it's weird.
I'm so.. Tired though.
The night before tho I was looking out of the window and I thought to myself, Boon Lay is such a pretty place, but I feel so isolated & so loved at the same time, I feel weird. & as I drifted off I thought about all the other prett things in this world & dear lord I wished this beauty planet could fill me. I'm not unhappy, I'm very ok. I'm just thinking well maybe, just maybe it could do something.
Maybe I could find the strength to get my shit together. Thinking bout what I could do, & what would result from anything, it doesn't motivate me quite as much anymore, maybe I've drifted a little too far away & I just need more time to readjust back into what I want.
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