i was sick for 4 days, & i was recovering & i got used to the temperature as it went along.
I was almost able to sleep without any source of cooling system at all.
Pekz is out of town, & i have been focusing on myself more.
I've been thinking a lot about how things have been & what i want.
I guess, maybe i've overlooked some stuff.
I might have misunderstood & overthought some stuff.
I have been stressed out, honestly.
I've been really really stressed out.
I have stressed on communication, because maybe i wanted to talk that out.
Maybe i wanted to have someone to listen to all of that,
confide me in these feelings & concerns. But the person i wanted to take note was having
problems or concerns on their own. & sometimes it might look like someone does not do
certain things because they don't care enough, cause a person who cares for you would naturally do.
& it was funny to me how, people wouldn't be able to keep to their words,
it was funny how, people would actually be irresponsible enough/or heartless enough to go against whatever they've promised, accidentally or not.
I guess it still applies, but i'm sure no one can be that heartless, & even if they are, they have their reasons, & it might not concern me, it might be unfair, per say.
But i have my own rights to tell myself what i think is right.
& lets talk about what is right.
What is right, is what i am okay with.
What i am comfortable with, what i can accept.
Society or the expectations people have for me do not apply to what i get comfortable with.
I want to grow, i will learn to understand, i will accept & try my best to be more adaptable.
I have grown independent on pillars & on people. & it might've changed me to someone less independent. But this time, i'll do it not because i have to, but because i want to.
I'll love because i do, I'll give because i can & i want to, I'll take if i'm comfortable with it, I'll voice out my opinions but i'll be sensitive.
basically i guess what i was trying to say is that, i'll do anything because i want to.
& this is the reason why i have met pekz, maybe i met you so i could learn all these. we all learn differently, & i guess this is jsut how i have to get it in, independently, without anyone feeding me on anything.
You're observant right? Time to be even better.
You're independent? Time to be even better.
You're hardworking? Time to work harder.
Wait, do you want it?
Take awhile to think about it, if you want to be all these, it is a yes.
Nothing comes when you don't do nothing about it.
Unless you're lucky. But you're not always lucky.
& even if you are, you're just too well fed.
Pampered people irks me, the people who accept it irks me even more.
The people who are so overly dependent, & are spoilt for choice.
I'm lucky, & i am glad that i do not see that in myself as much.
Our dislikes are a reflection of what we see in ourselves that we dislike.
Makes sense?
As the days come by, as i've gotten more alone time without worrying much about pekz,
i've gotten to spend more time on myself, & to evaluate on things.
I'm so glad.
& i am happy.
I really am, even though saying that makes me wanna cry, it makes me feel safe.
Happy/sad to be very honest idk if i'm happy or sad.
Maybe i'm happy cause i figured some stuff out, & maybe im sad because i finally grew wiser today & it honestly sucks having more on your shoulder but it feels good to be able to anyway.
It's such a whirl of mixed feelings.
But it's a good kind of mixed feeling.
I'll get used to this, having to grow up.
I'll grow up someday, why not accept it.
I'll take these days i have left with this little bit of wildness in me, I'll live a young life,
even i might also think i have an old soul, it doesn't mean i can't have fun & pretend to be young, which i actually am.
I'll do this.
Lots of things are coming up this holiday.
& i'm so excited but afraid at the same time.
I have no idea what is in store for me at work, in bod, in school, in my friendships, in my freelance work, in my recent projects or with pekz, but.
i'm looking forward to it with steadily shaky hands.
I'll shake hands with this devil.
It's going to be a good holiday.
The best year was the year i grew up most, & learnt most from.
It's gotta happen more often.
2k15 reincarnation.
Let's do this mandy.
I see you coming back to who you really are.
I'm proud of you.
No one has to say this, but i will.
I'm proud of you, & i love you.
(so much for over confidence ew)
I actually am proud that i can say this to myself.
Suck it bitterness, thank you.
p.s. i'm hooked on cheese in the trap & it is soooo good.
It's also 5;40am now & i gotta sleep.
Cause i've got a report to score on & i need to complete the information & graphics manually by tomorrow.
& IM HAVING POTATO HEAD.
Let's take tomorrow as a celebration of mandy, ok mandy!
You deserve a good burger.
( thats so funny to hear esp from myself but good burgers are like.. life)
(gonna quote on my friend) OMGGGG #YOUNGSTERS
I'm heading to bed now.
FUCK i need to pee again. I've gone 4 times since 12.
SERIOUSLY.
SERIOUSLY BLADDER SERIOUSLY.
Okay, lets go mandy.
Let's go to the toilet and hope you see no fucking creep or grim ripper in your living room.
FIGHT THEM!
Let's go. FUCK GOSH WHY ISIT SO URGENT I JUST WENT TO THE TOILET BEFORE BLOGGING OMG GEEZ!!!!!!!
(sorry this blog post can't end with a pretty conclusion cause i'm still a child & I CANT FUCKING CONTROL MY BLADDER FUCK) OK BYE
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